by Mjr. Fuckup
First, get you a link card. Dont be plagued by some kinda Catholic guilt complex or Republican nagging or Protestant boot strap bullshit or whatever the fuck. First off, the Rich steal from you all the fucking time (uh, you know, like, metaphorically n shit), and when they're not stealing from you, they're screwing over somebody else and then bitchin about how unfortunate it is that they can't buy two yatchs this year cuza taxes are too high. Fuck 'em. Anyway, tax money is your money too- you pay taxes every time you buy a 40, or virtually anything else, so that you don't have to go hungry. It's called America. Seconditively, you need to fucking eat. Everybody needs to fucking eat. Animals are forgiven for doing what the fuck they have to do to eat. As long as you're not like rapin' babies for a slice of bread, it's really okay. Go get a fucking link card.
Even if you're too much of a scrot to get a link, you can still eat pretty well on the cheap. Some people dumpster dive. We'll have to get back to you on that. Mainly I recommend learning how to fucking cook. If you know how to cook a few basic meals, you can transform an ordinary potato into several different types of potato based dishes. As long as you have other stuff to mix with it.
'Taters are a pretty basic deal. Just make sure that if you run out or they rot or something you kill the fucking British and raid their larders, because they will never fucking help you. But you're American, so killin Brits ain't no thang.
Here are some pretty basic ways to make potatos. You generally just need onions and margarine.
MASHED POTATOS
boil fucking potatos in water. pretty basic.
okay, you gotta like slice 'em up. and leave 'em in there for a real fucking long time, like two Monty Pythons (torrented a course). and then drain the water. maybe add some milk, butter. and mash the shit out of them! If you want to add onions you might simmer them in a separate pan if you own one in a bit of butter or oil and then add them at the end. some like 'em lumpy, with skin, others are fucking babies. You can add cauliflower or turnips into this if you like that sort of thing, or cabbage, whatever you found in the dumpster that morning. Cheese is nice when you can get it.
HASH BROWNS
I always make these for my hungover friends when they crash in my shitty apartment. First off make some fucking rice (we'll talk about rice another time, if you're poor you eat a lot of it). put a bit of oil in the one pan you own, just a few drops. set a fire in a garbage can and put a grate on top of it. let the oil heat up a bit and spread it thinly around the pan, just to coat it.
dice onions and add about half to the pan, set the other half aside. If you have garlic, throw that in two, sliced very thinly. dice or grate potatoes and throw 'em in the pan, reserving a few.
toss 'em around, sprinklin' whatever spices you might have- salt & pepper is fine, italian mix is good, hot sauce if you're into hot sauce (I love it!), a bit of red pepper flake (easily stolen en masse in packets from pizza joints), garlic obv, basil will taste fucking terrible by itself so don't go too crazy...
now add any other veggies you have in the house, if any, that take a minute to cook such as green or red peppers, diced. Broccoli probably won't work out unless you're some kinda insane vegan. let the taters cook a bit, then add the rest of 'em and cook til cooked & a bit crispy. add spinach and/or cheese if you have either. put it all over the rice. If you're really feeling fancy serve it up with toast and an egg on top. Salsa Verde & ketchup should be on the table, or next to the mattress on the floor but not too near the towel spread over the puke. on second thought, maybe you should go eat this outside on the porch (just grab a broom to shoo off the pigeons).
GENTILE LATKES- ERM, POTATOE PANCAKES!
ah, just like me ol granny usta make... in my fantasy life where she could fucking cook worth a damn... for these you really should use an egg, but you can get away with applesauce, or just milk or a bit o butter, or even just kinda try your luck with the patato juice when you're in desperate straits. Grate a potato over a bowl, add a handful of flour, mix it up with an egg, add salt & pepper and maybe a bit of butter, and just fry it up in a pan. mmmm- mmmm good! top w/ applesauce & sour cream. You can make applesauce by skinning & diceing an apple and just boiling and mashing it. pretty simple, and it don't take long neither. Dunno how you make Sour Cream...
POTATO BREAD
Basically, this is just a fried bit of mashed potato with flour added to it. No, really, that's it. You add some flour to mashed poatos, and then you fry it in butter til it's crispy outside. It's pretty fucking good, and more healthy than a basket of broccoli soaked in Milk (TM) *Does a Body Good* I'd wager. I usta try to make this thing where like there was sposta be an apple coated in cinnamon in the middle, which tasted fucking awesome, but I could never get it to work out exactly right. I'd recommend just frying the apple slice along side and then smooshing it on top.
There's a hundred million fucking other ways to make goddamm potatos. like, in the fucking microwave (make sure you gut it first). Look it up on the fucking internet. Oh wait, this is the internet... Well, enjoy cocksuckers. - Mjr. Fuckup
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